Fatherhood

When I spoke with friends and acquaintances that were already fathers, they all had the exact same things to say, "It is amazing!" and "Your life is going to change!"

Fine, I can accept that I thought. I like amazing surprises and experiences. The second comment always seemed to ambiguous to really consider let alone take to heart, so no worries there.

Of course, the first week and a half with Jonah and mom has been amazing;

1. watching his eyes stay open a bit more each day
2. the reflexive actions of his facial muscles constantly trying out new expressions for later use (of course every time a smile happens I think he smiled AT me when really he would have done that if I wasn't there. But still, it is pretty amazing to see)
3. cooing sounds as he drifts off to sleep
4. his sneezes and hiccups and the way they tire out his little body
   
5. his 3:30 - 4pm awake time where he gets placed on his belly and we tap out the rhythm of 8-9 songs on his back and feet.
   
6. The way he gets excited, bangs his head upon the breast, and snorts when he is about to breastfeed

It's the, "Your life is going to change...(add echo here)...forever" that has been perplexing. After all, only a fool could have this profound life change and not know it to be one. So, I have all of these odd thoughts and feelings that must be the CHANGE everyone spoke of. I am just struggling to figure out how to make sense of it.

1. I generally walk through life with my brain full-speed ahead, generating ideas that may or may not go any further then my own thoughts, making meaningful connections to previous experiences and learning from them, problem solving, and just generally considering the world around me each day. There are times when this is more present but for the most part this tends to be my brain. I'm comfortable with that.
2. I usually have a huge list of things I want to accomplish. This list may contain household remodels, lesson and project planning ideas for teaching, musical ideas I want to record before they are forgotten, maybe books I want to read, chores...
3. I am a pretty social individual. I enjoy time spent with friends. My great uncle Lou said that friendships are an important part of living and make life better. I want to be sure that as I continue to grow as a person-father-husband that this is not forgotten. Friendships create a healthy, necessary dynamic and vibe that leads to a healthy mind. Having said this, I have found myself looking straight through friends recently during conversations. Not a matter of being disinterested, just being present on a different plane.

The change everyone spoke of has begun to affect these things. For example, I may sit blankly like a sheet of college ruled paper and a broken pencil with barely a thought beyond my little son and when I realize that this is occuring, I resist. It isn't a violent resistance, kind of like trying to turn your head when on a fast spinning carnival ride. Not impossible to struggle against, just futile really. The only reason you keep trying to resist and turn your head is because you need to feel that you control your neck muscles. It is exactly the same for me. I resist not because I think that the "new life" that Jonah brings to our formerly harmonious family of two is going to change everything negatively... just because it is change.